Saturday, July 31, 2010

If I Was A Superhero...

You know how it is. Every time you go looking for one thing you find another. The other day I was looking for a VIP (very important paper) and I came across the picture to the right. It was created at www.whowantstobeasuperhero.com (which no longer exists.) A few years back SciFi ran a reality show by that name. Their website had a "superhero generator." You chose from a list of  noses, mouths, weapons, coats etc. This was the best I could come up with. Things had to be pretty bad for me to chose a trashcan lid as a shield.


I don't know nothin' 'bout naming no superheros. So my very uncreative name for this lovely lady was Willow Whip. I have a startling grasp of the obvious don't I? I'm thinking that her super powers have something to do with manual dexterity and eye hand coordination. I will be the first one to admit that the shades make her look like a relative of the X-Men's  Cyclops.


I spent the better part of 14 hours trying to get my printer to talk to my computer the other day so I decided to unwind by looking up superhero generators. I had to do something. Ever since I found that stupid picture of Willow I've had Superhero by Rex Smith running through my head.


There are quite a lot of superhero generators around. The first one I tried was The Hero Factory. It's all fancy and stuff.  Your choices decide the name of the hero and then they do it all up like a comic book cover. Snazzy. Do you think the sword slices through stone or is she an animated stone? Such are the important questions of 4 am.


Do they really pay people to do this for a living?


The next one I tried was The Hero Machine. I kinda like her. The mask is a bit much but I like the rest. Yes, I am stuck on the purple/green color scheme. Of all the color options this is the one I like best. Besides both colors go with the red hair. I'm not about to compromise on the red hair.

I think Ms. Blade could kick some evil doer butt. I'm sure she has some super fast "ninja" moves to go with that big sword. I know I would. Not that she'd be showy. She'd just come in, kick ass and take names and still make it to the spa in time for her bikini wax. A throughly modern woman underneath the latex.

Next came HeroMachine: Pin-Up Girl Edition. I am not making this stuff up. Imagine if Marilyn Monroe had super powers and a secret identity... oh wait... she did...

I'm not completely satisfied with her "costume" in this one. The short hair isn't doing anything for me either. Then there's my failure to figure out how to replace "Model Name" with Katana Blade. Tried numerous times. 

This girl looks like she might have to fit kicking evil butt in between lap dances. Not that there's anything wrong with being an exotic dancer. If those girls don't know what evil looks like who does?

The fourth stop on my superhero tour was HeroMachine: Rock Star Edition. Superhero. Guitar Hero. Hardly any difference. Since she doesn't resort to "KISS" makeup on stage,  she'll need a mask for fighting villains. I see something with sequins...

Her guitar is probably made out of titanium or something so that she can hit people... oh wait.. that's El Kabong's shtick. So no hitting people with musical instruments. Supersonic vocal abilities? She could hit a certain note and render evil doers unconscious. They'd wake up tied up and waiting for the cops.

Now things are just getting silly.

My final stop on the superhero trail was at HeroMachine 2.5. This is an improved version of the generator that created Willow Whip all those years ago.

I think this one turned out a bit better. It looks like she might have the power to manipulate molecules or maybe generate a charge to throw at bad guys.

Not sure about the emblem on her chest. I was looking for another ankh but no such luck. There definitely needs to be some kind of design on her costume. It's pretty visually boring other wise.

You should be grateful I resisted putting a cell phone in her left hand. I don't think texting people to death is a genuine super power. It's just annoying.

I will be the first to admit I don't know  a thing about being a comic book hero. The only superhero comic I ever read was Space Ghost. That was so long ago I don't remember what was going on. 

I know that a lot of people take their superheros seriously. I hope I haven't offended anyone. This was all just a distraction while I decompressed from my computer meltdown. One super power I could really use would be the ability to make any technology work any way I wanted it to. I would be such a happy camper. The Happy Camper. Is that a good superhero name?

PS: According to the Superhero Name Generator, my superhero name is The Illustrious Mariner. I think I might stick to Willow Whip.

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